Wow, what an amazing night. Surely a night that good won’t have any painful repercussions…
However, eight hours later you wake up and your head feels like it’s
being repeatedly hit with a biscuit tin. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to club hangover, where the drinks definitely weren’t free and where
today will be devoid of any fun and sunshine.
1. You open your eyes
Careful now
First things first, and this happens very gently, like peeling off
two petit filous lids in slow motion. When your vision comes into focus a
million and one things go through your head. Am I in my own bed? Am I
alone? Have I got pants on? Am I still in possession of the big three?
2. Sitting up
Sitting up can be difficult
This can take anything from five minutes to 24 hours, based on the
severity of the hangover and the necessity to be somewhere the following
day. Once a seated position has been established you can start to dream
of getting up and obtaining nourishment and hydration.
3. The removing of the duvet bit
At risk of frostbite
It’s nippy this time of year and any body part that leaves the inner
sanctum of bedfordshire can come back with frost on so proceed with
caution. Unfortunately, it has to be done as you were too drunk to put
your phone on charge when you got in and need to plug it in to view the
potential horrors you may have text people. Yep, you told that girl at
work you fancy her. Not again…
4. The big push
Get ready for the longest wee ever
Enough is enough. You grab the corner of the bed covers and toss it
angrily off you before growling like Gerard Butler in 300. The motion
from seated to upright comes as a surprise and you dry wretch
temporarily before going to the toilet to have a really long wee.
5. Getting dressed
You won’t look as healthy as this lady and you most certainly won’t be outside
I say getting dressed… you find the loosest, gravy-stained items you can and complement them with your favourite dressing gown.
6. Social interaction
It’s important to speak to someone else who was with you last night
You look to locate your partner, roommate or anyone within the
confines of your domicile. If this is not possible you now have 9% on
your phone to ring someone who was there last night and will understand
your pain. Whoever this person is, you boldly declare to them that you
will NEVER DRINK AGAIN. Then you kindly offer to make tea.
7. The making of the tea
VERY IMPORTANT PART OF THE DAY
When the tea is made, everyone it is being made for should come down
to the kitchen and talk about everything that happened the night before.
You then make lots of empty suggestions about what you should do today.
8. The actuality of the day
This is going to happen
Once the enthusiasm has quickly worn off and you accept that you
won’t be leaving the house, things get a lot easier. After watching
eight solid episodes of Big Bang Theory repeats because the remote went
under the sofa, you order a pizza and life doesn’t seem so bad.
9. The evacuating of the bowels
Let’s not talk about this bit
Then life gets bad. Really, really bad. 10. Going back to bed
It’s good to be back
You head back up to bed covered in garlic and herb dip. On your way
you catch a glimpse in the mirror and look at yourself in absolute
disgust.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment